been really really out of it the last few days. there's just too much of everything right now.

i've just been on this kinda autopilot. i don't even remember half of what i did this weekend. too many things to process and i don't really want to process any of them. I know i stayed up most of last night, though i don't remember really. and I was thinking, or not thinking and couldn't sleep. I stayed at a friends, and the bit of sleep i did get, i had this yucky dream about them, and woke up and i couldn't really do anything but just lay there and cry and try to remind myself that dreams don't portent reality. and i'm worried about people and sad about pete still, and thinking about all the people i've lost, and various things that have shaped my life.

Been thinking lots about weird morbid things, like if i stopped going to my Dr. for cancer checkups and treatments(granted i've been fortunate and haven't had to go in for surgury stuff in like, hmm 2 years) and stuff, how i could die this nasty slow painfull death over the next 2-5 years, or maybe not for 10 years, or if i happen to get lucky, maybe 50 years. granted i could just get hit by a car tomorrow or something, but this thing is like this black spot on my life, and normally i don't think about it anymore, because if i did, it'd control me. i think part of it is dealing with mourning, and part of it is just being morbid....

whine:

a few frightening minutes can haunt you your entire life.

boss was in pissy mood all day and yelled at me like 5 times

cheer:

kitty

cuddles in front of hypnotic box

pad thai

music, particularly songs that you just seem to connect with

Whine:

Cheer:

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